2021: Redeeming Fear
I love fear.
What a radical thing to say. It’s so radical that it’s hard to hear that sentence as anything but sarcastic. But I do love fear and I think you should too. Just like every emotion, there are positives to it and negatives. Like every emotion, it can mix with other emotions in a beautiful way and in a scary way.
Growing up Christian, many feelings were shamed that shouldn’t be: fear, worry, anxiety, doubt, even my overall sense of “feeling” has been and continues to be shamed with spiritual and theological claims that our hearts are corrupt. But what’s unique about the shame of fear is that it’s not only within church walls that it is a shamed emotion. It’s everywhere.
Cowardice, having phobia’s, being afraid of what others think of us, having PTSD, are all seen as negatives, signs of weakness. Which seems like an okay perspective at first glance. If it’s not pleasant it must be negative, bad, and unhelpful. But honestly, anything that our bodies are telling us, especially when they manifest through strong emotions, it’s neither negative nor positive! And experiencing the full range of human emotion is not a weakness. Demonizing our thoughts will however be negative in the long run.
My children’s book series, Misericordia’s Fables, is all about having compassion on ourselves and others who struggle with their emotions. In the teaching handbook, the recurring question we bring to children is: “Is feeling sad/anxious/scared/angry/overwhelmed etc. BAD?” And the answer is always a resounding NO.
Of course it’s not! But even people who seem aware of this continue to feed into the culture of “Fear is bad”! There is something numinous about Fear. When we think of fear, we think about the times fear blinds us, when it spins out of control, and it is seen as a moral failure; a weakness. People will betray themselves and others in order to protect themselves from what they fear. People can act irrationally when they are afraid. Fear can cause us to give up (coward) or become overprotective (bully). Fear imbues us with shame, weakness, and disgust. What’s frustrating to me is that all emotions have these shortcomings with no where near the same amount of negativity attached to them: you can be blinded by love, blinded by anger, blinded by despair. All of our emotions can be Titans and cause us to behave erratically. But why is fear the designated devil of all of our emotions?
Of course, how we respond to our emotions can be harmful to ourselves and others, and perhaps that’s why fear gets such a bad reputation: We don’t know how to properly respond to fear. Our instinctive responses are to fight or shut down or run away.
Fear has taught me to fight and stand up for myself when I was bullied. Fear has taught me to shut down my emotions in abusive situations so that I could continue to function day-to-day. Fear has taught me how to run away from bad situations into far better ones. Fear has fiercely protected me.
Fear has also caused me to be too defensive and quick to attack when I feel threatened. Sometimes I’ve shut down and can’t get back up again. Sometimes I’ve run away too quickly instead of resolving the problem in front of me.
Fear is not always good or always bad. Its intentions are, however, always good: Protection.
We have this militaristic approach to “battling” fear. We live in a culture that promotes suppressing and shaming fear with quotes like “Faith over Fear” and “Fear is the mind killer” and “Fear is a liar”. Even the word “Fearless” is a myth. Christians specifically speak as though fear is a weapon of Satan, when this is completely absent from any ancient wisdom. In fact we are taught that deceit is often where our “evil” forms, and I believe the biggest lie around fear is that it is your enemy.
This is where we become our own worst enemies. The more you despise any emotion, the more you fight it, the more intolerant you are of it, the less likely you are to notice it and self-soothe and the more likely it is to spin out of control and grow into a Titan.
If our fear is becoming a titan, we must look it in the face and ask it with compassion where it’s coming from. Do not interrupt what your body is telling you by shouting “just trust God!” or “triumph over it!” as if it’s something we can ignore or stamp out with our willpower. True peace doesn’t come from “exposing” fear and its nefarious schemes, but confessing your complex emotions and the reasons behind them without being too hard on yourself, shame-free. (FYI this is what therapy looks like).
I would like to end on a note that gives this complex emotion some long overdue appreciation, and hopefully after reading this we can all find a little more compassion for fear when it comes to say hello.
Fear propels us into action. It can light a fire beneath us. Fear of becoming depressed motivates me to take preemptive steps towards caring for my mental health, including getting exercise. Fear compels me to see a doctor and advocate for my health. Fear for another’s well being can give us the strength to catch someone when they’re falling and the courage to call someone and offer help and support.
Fear keeps us safe. Spider-Man’s spidey senses are a superpower and so is fear.
Fear makes us vulnerable to others. This can cause even more fear which makes you all the more human. The thing is, vulnerability isn’t shameful or weak (that’s another lie). Seeing someone afraid humanizes them and inspires compassion, not disgust. It is an emotion that, when witnessed, reaches the most tender place in our hearts.
Lastly, one cannot extend love to another without feeling the risk of rejection. One cannot love without fear. This is why a Jewish psalmist writes, “We are fearfully and wonderfully made.” Love and vulnerability and fear go hand in hand. Not to mention creativity. Fear is the beating heart of being human.
May this year, when fear sets in—fear of the future, fear of the unknown, fear of change, fear of disappointment, fear of loss—may we look at ourselves as we would a small, scared child who simply needs compassion and say, “It’s time we find a therapist.”