A Hostage in Church

I was being held hostage in church.

I was trapped in a mindset where I was force fed textbook answers to the largest, most humbling questions we’re given in life: Why does evil exist? What is the meaning of life? What is right and what is wrong?

Anytime I tried to deviate from these mathematical answers or was prompted to ask unwanted questions after meeting people and experiencing things that challenged the certainty with which I was taught to uphold these “Truths”, I was sharply put in my place; shamed, demoted, and accused. 

Held hostage in a place that told me they were setting me free.

Years had passed where I was sneaking out in my mind in the dead of night, secretly harbouring these doubts and concerns. Until one day, I was irrevocably rejected by a priest whom I had dedicated my life to serving alongside. This was a milestone because I was finally allowed to be truly free in my mind, heart, and soul. I was no longer chained to an institution which depended on my unconditional silence. I spent years deconstructing and reconstructing everything I knew about God, starting with Jesus. The Spirit guided me, gently and patiently, while I processed my pain and bitterness, doubts and accusations. 

Now I find myself again at the mercy of churchgoers—but this time with a marked difference. God has shown me that I ought to not only trust what the Spirit reveals to me through her Word, and not only value the wisdom of the ancients, but most importantly live in humility, learning from the unique experiences of others which may, at first sight, paradoxically contradict my own. God has taught me there is no equation for every human being to live by, but everything falls under this: Love God and love others (Matt 22:38-39). Outside of that, Jesus sent us the Holy Spirit who guides us in discerning how we each should uniquely love each other and live our life to the fullest (John 14:26). 

My experience is mine. Yours is yours. Theirs is theirs. And isn’t that beautiful? 

Yes, I believe there is one Truth.

I also believe it is too large for any one person to hold.